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by Steve Young

Steve Young columns

This will be hard to believe, but Bill railed against Secular Progressives (SPs) this week. And guess what? He was wrong. Again.

But what it made it all the worse, this time he chose to bring down the U.S. Marines right along side with the SPs.

In his sordid attempt to demean the city of Seattle, Bill said that the fact that they are SPs -- which means they don't give to charity (all the polls say so...look it up) -- including the annual Marine Toys for Tots drive. And because of that, "The Marines can't collect any toys there," said Bill.

I know. It pissed me off too. Damn SPs keeping the needy children of the Starbucks region of the world waiting for their much desired bit of holiday joy only to have their hopes dashed by some sort of greedy liberalism that you just have to know the mainstream media and their hate for Christianity is behind. Somewhere, the baby Jesus had to be crying.

The thing that really ticked me off was that the few, the proud, the semper fi ad infinitum U.S. Marines, were unable to wrench a G.I. Joe or Barbie out of the hands of the latte' liberals. No wonder we're "not winning, but not losing" in Iraq. It's a crime. Certainly part of the SP War Against Christmas. ‘Cept one thing. It ain't true.

Undermining the troops? Try undermining the truth.

Surprised? A Bill O'Reilly attack unwarranted? Tell me it ain't so, Bill. This has just got to be one of those New York Times bushwhacking of your integrity things.

Only one way to find out. I don't have access to Bill's crack research staff, so I used the phone.

I called the Marine captain in charge of the Toys For Tots program in the Seattle area.

So far this holiday season, they've given out approximately 300,000 toys. Hmm. Let me add that up. That seems a bit more than "not any."

Did they run short? Yes sir. Why? Because the Seattle SPs wouldn't donate? No sir. Because the demand was up this year. Oh my. You mean it wasn't because of SP selfishness? No sir.

So what did the Marines do? They went back and had more collection drives. And is that working?

Yes sir.

So how was Bill able to turn the entire city of Seattle into the Grinch and the U.S. Marines into a incompetent band of toy collecting brothers? It's an intricate process that "newsmen" of talk radio call "pulling it out of your ass." Remarkably, because of the regularity of his visits to the inner sanctum of his rectum, the trip is actually not very painful for Bill, but it is excruciating for a listener who thinks he's hearing the truth. Bill travels up that road so often for his "facts," his asshole has received funding from the DOT for repaving. But I tellya.

Branding SPs as the scourge of righteousness may have some validity. I know, when not drowning puppies, I spend a great deal of my time ripping the soul out of common decency. But when Bill decides to label every single U.S. Marine who has ever lived a pussy so helpless they cannot collect one lousy toy in Seattle, well that's not only mean, it's almost like he's leading a War Against Christmas.

Think I might have taken the facts and spun them a bit to come up with that conclusion?

So how's it feel, Bill?

Steve Young is author of the wacky new children's novel, "15-Minutes" (HarperCollins)

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Albion Monitor   December 15, 2006   (

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