THE MISSING CHENEY MEMO

by Steve Young

Seeking to play down the effects of global warming, in October of 2007, Vice President Dick Cheney's office pushed to delete from congressional testimony references about the consequences of climate change on public health, a former senior EPA official claimed Tuesday.

For Your Eyes Only

From the Desk of The Vice President...of the United States

Date: October, 2007

To: Center for Disease Control and Prevention

From: Darth

Subject: Public health consequences of climate change hoax

I've been going over the 14 pages -- oops -- 13 pages (note to self: don't sit so close to shredder) of your testimony and feel there are some small considerations we might want to address prior to your actual appearance before the committee.

I think you'll agree that the reference to "apocalyptic disaster" seems a bit over-dramatic, especially in an election year. Who knows just how apocalyptic any disaster will be? It's really very subjective and we certainly don't want the terrorists to think they've won. Let's err on the side of American optimism and call whatever the disaster might be something like, "Happy Days." And it wouldn't hurt to give a Fonzie, "ay-y-y," when you say it. (Note to self: See if Henry Winkler is still alive and bring him in for a photo-op with gang down at the CDC)

Also, the whole ramping up of respiratory traumas scenario seems a bit cart before the horse. After all, we're not doctors. Alright, some of you are, but it's not like a you've examined every single person out there. What seems like a shortness of breath and a severe wheezing cough to one person, sounds like a blue whale mating-call to another. That's nature working, right? No a bad thing. Again, just to be on the safe side, why don't we just pull the whole disease section out and if need be, replace it with pictures of baby seals, polar bears and a bunch of snazzy nature scenes. If anyone complains, remind them that each of those pictures are worth a thousand words, If they want to have the same amount of pages that the CDC originally came up with, tell them to use larger fonts.

Here's a few more thoughts:

Speaking for myself, greenhouse gases are necessary for some of us to breathe. Can we find a scientist down at the CDC or the Heritage Foundation to back me up?

Is there any way you can turn this thing into a solid reason to invade Iran?

I just thought of something. Correct me if I'm wrong (just a phrase, not a directive), but didn't God create the dinosaurs that died and ended up becoming the fossil fuels which we, may I remind you, keep America moving, supposedly leading to what some non-White House scientists say is higher carbon dioxide concentrations? Find something in the bible -- the New Testament one -- that supports this and stick in a "Hate Co2, Hate God" paragraph somewhere near the word Democrat. Place one of those red pointer stickers on it so we don't shred, um, mislay it, by mistake. (Note: Make sure any dinosaur references fall into the 7,000 year earth life dynamic)

Figure a way to get Sean Hannity a doctorate degree in time for the testimony.

Where is the information I requested on the health benefits of Carbon Dioxide?

Please change the title of your report to "Safer Air For Our Children, Kitties and God In The Flyover States"

Can we blame Joe Wilson?

Play up the "people causing pollution" principle. Let's get rid of the cause of problem -- people. That's something we can already document where we've already made great strides.

Aren't there great sources of energy to be found in greenhouse gases? If not. Make it happen, folks. Then buy me a few million shares.

See if you can fit in, "Pollution, if you will, is in its last throes," or "if we don't fight it somewhere else, we'll have to fight it over here."

Is there a covert spy we can out on this? Who is Boxer married to?

Print everything in green. These guys love green. Do we have any color green left in the office?

Where is the "duct tape reducing CO2 emissions" idea I suggested? (Re: the meaning of "suggestion")

Can we torture pollution? Find Gonzalez and make it happen.

As always, make sure neither the President nor Dana see this letter. No see-ee. No lie-ee.

Looking forward to hearing your feedback at next week's hunting retreat. See if we can talk Al Gore into coming.

Best,

Dick

P.S. Whoever borrowed my copy of Animal Farm, return it. No questions asked.