COMING SOON: THE NEW FOX NEWS NETWORK

by Steve Young

A scoop from the You Know It's Gonna Happen Soon Or Later news:

There are MSNBC, CNN and Fox News. Networks for the left, middle and right. But what about something for those feel that Fox News's far right shows just don't scratch that fanatical itch? Sure, Glenn Beck is nuts, but not nuts enough. There's a real cry out there for a network that isn't afraid to say what the real patriot holed up in his axles-on-blocks, trailer shack is thinking, or is cutting up and papering on his walls. I'm talking about the militia man who no longer wants to waste his target practice on newspaper clipping of presidents or small unarmed varmints; the man who isn't afraid to open a bar at 8AM and not close it until they've beaten up at least one gay kid; the guy who feels that Michael Savage is too wishy-washy.

So it comes as no surprise that Fox President Roger Ailes has announced the development of a new News Corp network to fill the niche: Fox News Adrenalin Network.

"Fox News may have set things in motion but simple innuendo and tortured logic just doesn't do it for the real American" said Ailes. "The Fox template still works. We just want to tighten the screws on the concept a wee bit more. We need to get this everyday man message into the main stream media the same way the original Fox News has. No matter how unconscious or irrelevant a point of view is, hammer it hard and long enough and sooner or later, The Today Show makes it a legitimate part of the debate. It's no longer enough for a George Stephanopoulos to get his questions from Sean Hannity. We need Bill O'Reilly to get his questions from the Klu Klux Klan."

But the new network doesn't expect to be all news and opinion.

"Our morning programming will be centered around 'Psychopaths & Friends' where viewers will wake up to a shot of news epinephrine. A lean mean hormone tabloid meant to boost the supply of oxygen and glucose to the brain administered by the dream teaming of Laura Ingerham and Mark Levin. If we could clone Mark and Laura, we'd have our entire lineup set.

"We'll have history shows, like 'The Way It Still Should Be,' which will take a look at pre-civil rights eras and 'C'mon...' an in depth daily where Holocaust deniers finally get their rightful opportunity to have their say."

FNAN promises travel programming like "Montana For Lifers," that will take viewers on delightful journeys through backwoods locales where few Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives investigators have ever stepped.

"Of course, there'll be politics that continue our fair and balanced philosophy," says Ailes. 'The Only Good Government Is A Dead Government' will pit far-left wing anarchists against right-wing anarchists."

Ailes says FNAN is presently in discussions with a number of high profile cranks to fill their hosting positions. "We're looking at the usual suspects but don't be surprised if we bring in a surprise or two like say Satan or maybe even Ann Coulter."

"We want everyone to get the message that simply being white is no longer good enough," says Ailes.. "We have to appeal to the lowest common denominator. Not only the ones living in trailer parks, but those who should be living in caves."