ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS RUDY AND...

by Steve Young

All year the broadcast Lords of Loud have made their most sincere efforts to bring America together by presenting the truth...as they've made it up. Certainly without their unintended humor -- as their intended humor isn't necessarily humorous to anyone past the 6th grade -- I wouldn't even have material for much more than two or three columns a year.

So now, as 2008 twitters out there are a few last minute presents I wouldn't mind giving or getting. But with the gift of a Bush economy, my budget has been diminished a bit, so if there is a Santa or another Bernie Madoff yet to be indicted, please make my/our holiday something to remember.

Make My Column Easier To Write: Westwood One, you can do it. Replace Bill O'Reilly's soon-to-be just a fond memory radio show with the light and lisping tones of America's mayor and New York's most splendid decider on where to place the city's Emergency Command Center (in the World Trade Center)...Rudy Guiliani.

Until Rudy Assumes The Radio Factor Mike Wish: Let every day be Christmas so Lou Dobbs can continue chewing over Bill O'Reilly's "War on Christmas" gristle.

From Marx to Lenin Wish: With a tip o' the LoL hat to Firesign Theater (we're not talking Groucho or John), please give Glenn Beck a dollop of logic that might help him explain why Barack Obama is supposedly a Marxist.

The Get What You Give Wish: Allow Rush Limbaugh and Michael Savage to face the pain and discrimination that those they ridicule must deal with every day.

Two Wrongs Make Another Wrong...And Another...And Another...Etc. Wish: Grant Dick Morris the same prediction and analysis capability that makes him the most erroneous pundit on the face of the earth. (Okay, maybe it's a tie with Bill Kristol.)

Bill Cunningham Memorial Wish: Give the LoL another middle name to use for Barack Obama -- maybe Hitler -- and an opportunity for him to say, "What's wrong? That is his middle name isn't it?" as if he wasn't using it to scare their brilliant fans into believing Obama was somehow connected to Saddam Hussein.

And Speaking Of Adolf: Find someone more evil than Hitler so Ben Stein isn't stuck with only comparing Obama with der Fuhrer.

Wish For Sean: A liberal who's actually won a debate or two against him...i.e. moi.

A Lie Detector: For every talk show host who began his November 5th show saying, "Really, I wish Barack Obama the best."

Global Warming Wish: Someone to explain to the LoL how one day of extreme cold doesn't undermine the dire warnings of Global Warming any more than does one hot December day proves it.

For Mark Levin: Another opportunity to rip into Bill O'Reilly with some choice comments (Note: I know I've relayed this info before, but it never gets old) like...."Paid to be arrogant and stupid...A non-Factor...A moron...He is Ted Baxter...A phoney journalist...A non-Factor who doesn't know crapola about economics, history or law...Jealous of Rush Limbaugh...Your ratings suck....A jerk...An idiot...and the best...You paid more in hush money for your little phone sex than I've ever earned."

To Michael Medved, Gordon Liddy, Neal Boortz, Dennis Prager, John Gibson, Charle Krauthammer, Jonah Goldberg, and rest of the LoL wannabes, here's wishing you a Merry Holiday and a 2009 full of...you.

For Me, Two Wishes: Please don't ever let Bill O'Reilly go away completely. At least until I retire or the day after he has to announce that Al Franken won the presidency and...

...make January 20th today.