I AM SO HOT FOR DR. LAURA

by Steve Young

Dear sort-of-Doctor Laura,

For years I thought you were a jerk. Okay, you had a few hot pictures on the Internet -- and whatever you do, please don't Google for "Dr. Laura nude pictures," or view any of the 198,000 web sites you'll find -- but you always remained to me, one of those, "yeah, just wait until she opens her mouth" turnoffs. That is until this week.

That's when, on the Today Show and later on Hannity & Colmes, in reference to the Eliot Spitzer dalliances, you blamed wives for their husbands' behavior, saying that the wives of "most men who cheat" "haven't been respecting" their husbands.

Thank you, Doctor. Finally. Someone has had the guts to step up and defend why married guys like to have sex with hookers or anyone else who they're not married to.

While falling for you is a little like falling for Ann Coulter -- except without the Nazi paraphernalia -- I find it difficult to get you out of my mind. Your words not only rid me of my years of guilt that it was I who was doing something wrong, but now I can actually place the blame on the very person who used to read me the riot act every time I came home at four in the morning reeking of a stranger; a stranger who after finishing three minutes of wet, hot love, I could barely remember her made-up name.

Your words ring in my mind like the words of Howie Dansky, my best friend in six grade, when he told me the new Sears Catalog had just been delivered. It could have been National Geographic, but at twelve you tend to forget what color went with what hand.

Who knew back then that no matter how insidious, how dirty, how guilty you felt, it was not you that was wrong. For now we know the one thing they never explained in health class. It was you who had been wronged.

"When the wife does not focus in on the needs and the feelings, sexually, personally, to make him feel like a man ... he's very susceptible to the charm of some other woman making him feel what he needs. And these days, women don't spend a lot of time thinking about how they can give their men what they need."

I couldn't have said it better. I tried, but my wife wouldn't buy it from me. But from Dr. Laura, a conservative yet, wow, I'll be able to plug anything that walks. This time when my wife tries to shove the guilt down my throat, I'll be ready.

"MY fault?! What, are you nuts?! You're the one hasn't been respecting me. What was I supposed to do? NOT have sex with a stranger? Then I'd just be disrespecting myself -- I bet you'd like that."

So, what do you say, Doctor? Yesterday I'm pretty sure my wife wasn't thinking about what I need. Are you available tonight? Afterwards maybe you can come back to my house with me and explain.

I can't wait until my wife hears that I'm not a scumbag.