Copyrighted material


by Steve Young

Steve Young columns

A new study released by Bio-psychological Medicine (BM) Journal offers clear evidence that the brain of the radio/TV talk show host/pundit, thought to be synthetically influenced by environmental and partisan pressure, is fundamentally hardwired differently than normal human brains. This is most likely caused by in utero developmental malformation of the embryonic nervous system in the first three months of fetal development. (See: Rosemary Baby's brain)

The study calls for a new category within the International Classification of Diseases (ICD) to cover the brain-behavioral syndrome borne out the linkage of idiosyncratic brain structures (see legend below) with the oral and anal local ganglia, the term "Cephalinguanal Syndrome" (Ceph/Syn) is proposed by the research team. They caution this is not to be conflated with the well-known lay term "Head-Up-the-Butt,' since Cephalinguanal Syndrome is gestational and irreversible. In addition, they point out the Ceph/Syn sufferers' unique behavioral capacity for incessant oral emissions, both diurnal and nocturnal, that emanate from the confluence of the left and right glutei maximi.

The Ceph/Syn has captured the attention of scientists due to the functional abnormalities that are the inevitable and telling sequelae of the anatomical abnormalities cataloged below.

While the normal brain is the site of reason and intelligence, the talk show host brain, dependent on bias and fanaticism to filter information, cannot distinguish rumor from fact. Where the frontal lobe of the normal cerebrum controls reasoning, emotions, judgment, and voluntary movement, the cerebrum of the talk show host brain relies strictly on the neocon-cortex, which delivers Republican talking points making voluntary movement impossible.

The typical human brain houses more than 100 billion neurons, which process and transmit information. The talk show host brain accommodates only one, which carries information originating inside the anal cavity directly to the vocal chord generating not as much a coherent thought as viral gastroenteritis (diarrhea) of the mouth.

Researchers participating in the study hope that their work will generate a new understanding of a zealot's incessant appetite for approval and book sales, not as a deliberate or calculated effort to spread malice and perversion of the truth, but as an uncontrollable disorder which unfortunately can infect those innocents who may ingest the diseased brain's sediment as fact. They are encouraging humane treatment of these talk show host sufferers. In keeping with the now-standard "People-First" language of disabilities, it is urged that we no longer refer to these people as "talk show hosts/pundits," or the somewhat pejorative if not inaccurate term "lying bastards," and adopt the new ICD terminology: People with Cephalinguanal Syndrome.'"

"What is sad, is that most people do not understand that talk show hosts cannot help what they do any more than a large, wet fart can stop from smelling up a small classroom," stated researcher Dr. Howard Dansky. "Except for O'Reilly. He's just a dick."


Foxnewswashingtontimeswallstjournal Lobe -- Sensory center for misinformation.

Goebbels Corpus Callosum -- A large bundle of nerve fibers that connect the left and right cerebral hemispheres that allows the talk show host to scapegoat anyone or anything not white, protestant and Republican.

Beckbulldungata -- Deletes any evidence of evidence. Enforces style over substance. Also known as Danecook's Disorder.

Savagelium -- Section of the brain that stimulates pure unfettered hate. (See: Hitler brain diagram)

Limbaugh Anal Lobe -- Known as the "Brain's Ass," for its incredible physical similarity to the buttocks, this lobe is accordingly located in the rear of the brain. Influences ability to pull things directly from cyst-burdened posterior. Constricts compassion when ridiculing the disabled.

Gibsonwannabe Cord -- Controls perpetual desire to be like the big boys. In the right-wing female pundit brain it is known as the Coulter Malkintent

Marklevinal Grating Gland -- Sucks the air from the room, triggers a repulsive lack of control of volume and loathsomeness. Though the sound it produces appears to emanates from the nasal cavity, as with most talk show host brains, it is derived directly from the anus. Persons standing within twenty feet of the sound emitted from the Marklevinal Gland may suffer involuntary nausea.

Hannitary Gland -- Controls the loading up of a question that might take as much as five minutes prior to being able to asking it. Also increases ability to deceive listeners to think he is just like them.

O'Reillylum -- Prevents ability to tell the truth even when it is shoved in your face. Secretes an interrupting/talking-over-others/paranoia/hypocritical discharge that grossly increases the size of the ego to proportions larger than the skull sometimes forcing its way into the thyroid forcing a large goiter-like bulge where the neck should be. Prompts visions of fictional "Wars" and Secular-progressive demons around every corner. (See also: McCarthybellum and "How Hitler Scapegoated Jews.") Also controls the desire to sexually harass subordinates, endlessly pat one's self on the back and sue imaginary enemies into attaining massive sales of books.

Williamkrystolata -- Controls the ability to be wrong every single time while continually being asked for your opinion.

Steve Young is author of "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful...Mistakes, Adversity, Failure and Other Stepping Stones to Success" (

Comments? Send a letter to the editor.

Albion Monitor   December 13, 2007   (

All Rights Reserved.

Contact for permission to use in any format.