RIP O'REILLY?

by Steve Young

With the loss of William James "Bill" O'Reilly, Jr., a true Culture Warrior who fought tirelessly for Christmas in the war against it, a large void is left in the world of narcissism.

A 6-foot, 6-inch void -- with at least a 3-foot diameter.

As of this writing there has been no confirmation of his death, but the fact that he has not shown up on radio or TV to plug his latest book in the past twelve hours has lead many to conclude that he must be have passed away.

The suspicion is that he may have been murdered by either George Soros, Al Franken, Frank Rich, Keith Olbermann, France, the entire ACLU or some other Blame America First, Bush Hating, Secular Progressive pinhead who has targeted him and other Traditionalists for years.

Other speculative factors of death experts surmise that he may have died of natural causes due to his ever-expanding sense of self as Mr. O'Reilly's inability to control his I am always right politics (he was an independent, you know) nor the size of his ego, would have had to sooner or later lead to his passing .

"When one's view of his own worth to society far exceeds the body's physical perimeter and capacity to support what we call id girth, a self-combustion, much like explosive diarrhea, will likely occur," said death-causation authority, Dr. Mort Ality. "Most likely, Mr. O'Reilly's near uninterrupted six-month, 24/7 promotion of his new book, combined with his tough, hardnose, take no prisoners, interview with President Bush -- where he thankfully found time to promote his new book -- proved fatal. Of course, he could have died just from his body's inability to withstand the strain brought about by the unnatural physical contortion from excessive patting of one's self on the back," said Dr. Ality. "It's like when people say they'll 'bend over backwards' for you. Sooner or later, something breaks."

While O'Reilly famously pledged on "Good Morning America" in 2003 that, "I will apologize to the nation and I will not trust the Bush administration again" if WMDs weren't found in Iraq, he forgot to mention his promise during the interview with the President. O'Reilly insiders say bringing up the topic "would have interfered with the limited time he had to kiss up and promote his new book."

Fox News's Roger Ailes said that "Bill O'Reilly was an icon to millions of faithful followers and a 'Culture Warrior' who will never be able to be replaced...but we will try." Ailes announced that the new and exciting "Geraldo, Aren't I So Macho, Factor" will premiere at 9PM EST Monday night.

Newt Gingrich, Dick Morris and Ann Coulter issued a brief statement saying, "What the hell are we supposed to do with all our freakin' books now""

Mr O'Reilly is survived by his wife, two children, a Polk (or what Mr. O'Reilly liked to call, "two Peabodys") and a million-dollar settlement payment made to have his sexual harassment case with producer Andrea Mackris -- who he was really looking out for -- go away.

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