HEY BILL! WHAT ABOUT ME?

by Steve Young

When President Nixon's Enemies List was exposed for all to see, many Americans felt spurned that they were left off. I know I felt that way. Not that there had been any reason for the Nixon White House to list me. It just would have been nice.

But now a new Enemy List appears. It's been sauntering around piecemeal on the air waves for years, but now Bill O'Reilly, who has barely promoted it on his TV and radio shows, has placed the entire list in his new book, "Culture Warrior" for all to see. There's plenty of slings and arrows slung about, for the most part against the evil Secular Progressives (SPs)™ and their attempts to harm America and America's number one protector, Bill himself.

What becomes most evident through the pages and pages of people and organizations who are plainly at fault for the fast approaching Moral Apocalypse, is the egregious omission of my name on Bill's list of enemies. Bill's attempt to save us all from the sins of the SPs, just doesn't do the trick if he leaves me out.

This is not about ego. That would be like saying the Bill was all about ego. This is about what is right. And certainly doing the right thing is a Traditonalist virtue not to be untraditionalized.

And it certainly isn't my own self importance. Once, while a guest on the TV "Factor" I told Bill that he was more important than me. He smiled but didn't disagree.

The L.A. Times and their opinion page is on Bill's enemy list. I've written for the L.A. Times opinion page.

The Philadelphia Inquirer and their opinion page is on Bill's enemy list. I have written for the Philadelphia Inquirer opinion page.

My weekly column on the L.A. Daily News Sunday Opinion page has frequently made Bill the butt of my ever-clever witticisms. And as a juicy add to my SP journalistic offense, Bill's column and mine frequently appear on the same page.

The Left Wing smear sites are on Bill's enemy list. My "Lords of Loud" column in the Albion Monitor has taken him to task for years.

Jimmy Breslin is on Bill's enemy list. I allotted Jimmy B a full chapter in my book, "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful."

Al Franken is on Bill's enemy list...BIG TIME. Not only does Al have a chapter in "Great Failures," but I've brought him onto my radio show to promote his book...more than once.

Speaking of my radio show, Liberal Talk is on Bill's enemy list. Before I was fired from the my Progressive Talk station for being what management soft-pedaled to me as, "far too untalented to talk my way out of a soaked paper bag that had already begun to rip," I was a talk show host who played and replayed many of Bill's "non-spins" for the entertainment of my listener. There might have been more but on radio y'never know. After all, Bill says he has a very successful radio show. And, whenever I replayed tidbits of Bill's show, I used varied ad hominem attacks against him, some of which that I had no actual factual basis for.

My guess is that there are so many reasons to place me on the list I would overshadow the more well known enemies, it seems that the only evil I have not trespassed upon Bill was a lawsuit.

Until now.

Bill's attempt to save Traditionlists (and the Traditionlist's children...please don't let us forget the children) from the sins of the Secular Progressives doesn't exactly do the trick if he leaves me out. So it is that this week I have asked my attorney to immediately file a cease and desist (insist?) order against Mr. O'Reilly (my attorney informs me that it is time to sound legally apropos) and his publisher, Broadway, halting any further printing until I am listed as part of his Enemies List in the book.

And as an added effort to rectify this glaring oversight in the most profitable manner, I have left a message on Al Franken's message machine to advise me just how to get Mr. O'Reilly to countersue.

Nixon might have gotten away with leaving me off his hit list, but I'm much older now, and I've learned how important and unprofitable it is for a eminent public person to ignore your existence.

I certainly hope that Mr. O'Reilly takes my lawsuit seriously.

My book could use the heat.