SAVE THE UNINDICTED REPUBLICAN

by Steve Young

I have spent most of my life working toward achieving my dream of one day becoming a Washington lobbyist. But lately, that dream stands as much a chance of becoming a reality as Howard Dean does of becoming RNC Chairman, for the Washington Lobbyist (purchasea accessstis scamoronus americanae) is soon to go the way of the Dodo or a good steak at Denny's. And for that, I blame evolution.

The Unindicted Republican (notcawtyetin graftalota forlegislationus) once walked the Potomac (on it, not in it) without fear of predators for they were the baddest sonuva saber-toothed tigers in the jungle. Now the UR spends more time trying to stay off the endangered species list than he does keeping Democrats from launching an ethics probe.

Republican Senators like Rick Santorum (homophobeum fundamentalis) and Bill Frist (diagnosis videolum) are attempting to interrupt natural selection (comeuppance inevitabalis) by reforming laws governing lobbyists believing that they can put off their inevitable demise. But not believing in evolution doesn't mean you can keep it from evolving. And no where in the history of the planet is there any evidence of a species able to save itself from extinction (see: McCarthy Goes On Murrow). Ask the Dodo (rushilingus dittoradfinitum).

A descendent of its early ancestor, the Snake Oil Salesman (originalitis infomercialium), the UR was thought to be invincible, not because of their invincibility but for their seeming inexhaustible supply of nourishment (cashmoneyinoffshoreaccountum) and the innate ability of mankind to ignore what does not make them feel good about themselves (suckerborneveryminutus).

What they neglect to take into consideration is that, over time, food supplies are naturally contaminated by bloodsucking viruses (abramoffae bribelitus), unexpected complications (newyorktimesitis leakatum) and absolute power corrupting absolutely (dictum gravitas). This has left only a few herds of UR to roam the DC wasteland (specialis interestae).

It may be too late to reverse UR's extinction as a species becomes "functionally extinct" when only a handful of individuals survive, unable to reproduce due to health, age, lack of both sexes, or in the case of the UR, no sex at all. Many say that the UR has survived all these years by relegating its existence to the artificial environment of Washington, talk radio and Fox News. But much like a zoo, those who only exist in such pseudo-habitats are already functionally extinct.

There is a school of thought that says, as in the case of Tom DeLay (nonelectus anymorum), that URs are killing themselves; that the mere fact of being a wealthy-white Republican causes one to self-destruct. But why the does the UR face extinction and large numbers of Unindicted Democrats (notallthatdifferentfromrepublicaniska) still thrive? This is a simple case, not of doing things right or better, but from chronic bad aim that, at worst, only causes non-fatal foot injuries or disease (futinmouth dysinterium).

But what, if anything, can we do? While it is somewhat gratifying to watch one expiring from their own excesses, losing any specie is a lamentable and, damn it, some of these fat, furry creatures are cute as a button. Here are some conservation tips that, if not save the UR, will keep them around long enough for another for another couple of laughs...

1. Do not throw money at them as, like a dog, they will take in far more than they need or can digest properly.

2. Do not vote for them. If they do no serve they lose much of the power that corrupts and consequently will kill them...absolutely.

3. Do not hit their young over the head with a baseball bat...no matter how much you want to or covet their thick, rich pelt to use as fashionable outerwear.

4. Do not close any all-white male-only country clubs as the UR tends to breed plentifully in its natural habitat.

5. Support your local Adopt-A-UR program (federalprisonitum) where UR's may go to rehabilitate from life-threatening ailments (improprietus malfeasancae)

6. Don't let a lobbyist write UR legislation (kstreetis dungae) for them.

7. Make them call for an ethics inquiry to fend off terminal infection (investigatis stonewallum)

Of course, there are political theorists who say sometimes it's not nice to not mess with Mother Nature and let Intelligent Design take its course.

My dreams be damned, maybe that would be for the best.