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Talkin' Trash With The Lords Of Loud

by Steve Young

Steve Young columns

"Hey, Freeper. Me love you long time."

No disrespect to the working girls, but if the 2005 edition of the Lords of Loud could figure a way to turn what they do into sex, hookers would be out of business. All this year, talk radio tricks got the hot satisfaction they paid for, while deluding themselves into thinking that it was really love. But don't try to tell that to a talk radio junkie who's gone so long without real truthin'.

"My whore wouldn't lie to me," slobbers the convinced dittohead, caressing his radio host of ill repute. Who needs the truth when the fantasy is so much better? But believe me, when the whores get together after work to gargle a couple gallons of mouthwash, they laugh at the suckers who pay for their hour's sweet lies. What they're putting out might sound like the real thing, but these pros know damn well it's anything but the truth.

The broadcast bimbos dress up hypocrisy and deception.

Hannity broadcasts for weeks outside Terri Shiavo's hospice, advocating for one poor brain-dead woman -- but not for a second outside a Veteran's Hospital where thousands of the living are begging to be heard. And, of course, many of those injured soldiers are there because Hannity's crew in the Republican congress shorted their basic needs for adequate armor.

Oliver North will tell you that the estate/death tax hurts you -- but never reveals that unless you're leaving $2 million to your kiddies, you're just cheering a fat cat tax cut.

O'Reilly will tell you he is the bestest children's advocate, that you can buy his books to send the right message to your kids, that he'll harass judges who don't protect the youngsters -- but not one word about the harassing phone sex forced on a youngster half his age. As any lady of the night would, O'Reilly says he does it for you. In both cases, "to you" might be a better fit.

Bill Bennett pompously tells you how you should virtuously live your life -- then gambles away millions, and blames black babies for our crimes rates. Rush tells you that addicts should be placed in jail, key thrown away, and that the ACLU is dangerous to the American way of life -- but uses the ACLU to keep him out of jail for drugging and dragging his housekeeper into his crimes and addiction.

G. Liddy will say the New York Times is a bastion of liberal bias -- the same NYT that held back on the NSA spying on Americans news that could have been the death knell to the 2004 Bush campaign -- yet ignores the fact that they offered a platform for all the timely White House war propaganda that Judy Miller could fit to print.

Hannity, O'Reilly and the usual suspects ripped Franken for not supporting our military, but vacation in safety while Franken uses his time off to entertain the troops in Afghanistan and Iraq.

Talk radio may make you think it loves you, but once you're finished, you're left with nothing but a glowing memory, a lie, and perhaps an STD (Severe Truth Distortion) or two. Screwed? Sure. Loved? Not on your dial.

It's your choice to do with your life what you want. But risky behavior has consequences. If you plan to continue listening, be careful. And for God's sake, use protection.

Steve Young, author of "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful" tried to get someone to fill in for today's column, but couldn't find anyone less proficient

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Albion Monitor December 31, 2005 (

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