Dear Mr. President: You Made Me Love You

by Steve Young

As Sung By Harriet Miers
(To The Tune of You Made Me Love You)

Dear Mr. President,
I am writing this to you
I'm your lawyer but I could be something more
My heart beats like a hammer
Every speech I see you stammer
When you try to justify pre-emptive war.
I guess I'm just another fan of yours
And I thought I'd write and tell you so-o-o.
You made me love you, I didn't wanna do it, I didn't want to do it....

(Music fades to background, talk to picture of Bush part)

Aw, gee, Mr. Bush, I don't wanna bother you! I guess a lot of lawyers write and tell you the same thing. And if you don't wanna read this, well, you don't have to. But I just had to tell you about how I feel, and stuff.

There are so many things that make you groovier than Rummy, who everyone thinks is so cool. Like when they tell you what they want you to say, but they don't tell you what it means, so you say things that sometimes you don't understand, it never seems to bother you because even if they explained it, you wouldn't understand.

And I really like it that when people make jokes about you, and you don't get them, you don't make a big deal. That makes me even more attracted to you. Even more than Karen Hughes. And you know I don't like to tell things out of school, but I heard Karen tell Matalin that she liked Dick better than she liked you. I'm pretty sure she was talking about the Vice President, but even so, I wouldn't trust her. I hate Karen.

And when you wore that Bomber jacket on the deck of the USS Lincoln. (Abe would have been so proud). You were so dreamy. I could almost picture you fighting in a war like all those lucky kids who you gave the chance too. When you told everyone that our mission was accomplished, I almost fainted. It didn't matter that it wasn't, you were going to let everyone know that you thought it was and that's what made me know that you were the most brilliant man I ever saw. Not brilliant in the regular smart way. But a different kind of brilliant. A kind of brilliant that says you don't care whether you know anything at all 'cause you don't believe that knowing something is all that important, which, I guess, isn't very brilliant at all, but that's really why I think you're the ginchiest and, well, why I want to be more than just your personal lawyer. I want to be your personal supreme court justice.

What a turn on when you acted like you were surprized when you found out that there were no WMD so you changed WMD top "the capacity to make WMD" or "had weapons programs." I just knew you were the most brilliant pretense for war-changer ever.

That was the first time I wanted to be more than just your lawyer, and I knew right then you were the nicest fella in the government! I guess it was 'cause you acted so, well so natural like -- not like a real president at all, but just like any fella you'd meet at school or at a skull and bones party.

I hope you don't mind me getting a little personal, but I really love your laugh. Sometimes, I TIVO you on Fox News and then replay the part where you kind of snicker over and over until I finish. Then, after I watch Bret Hume, I start all over.

Still, there was nothing sexier that when you told that creep bin laden to "bring it on" I thought I would get pregnant right then, I mean, if you could get pregnant alone. Please tell me that's how Laura got pregnant. Oh, how I hate her.

Remember when Alberto said it was kind of okay to torture people because there was a good chance they were guilty and I said that it could be a problem and you got real mad at me. Well, I only said that so you wouldn't get hurt like when everyone said that Jeb was the smart one. Please forgive me. And please forgive me for hating all the women who walk by you.

I feel like if I told you all the reasons I think you're so neat, it would take more words than it takes to fill the Sunday New York Times. Not that I would expect you to read it cause I know you don't like to read newspapers, especially the New York Times. But even if it was the Wall Street Journal, I wouldn't expect you to read it, just because of me. I hate Laura more than I love God.

Please don't be upset with me, but I want you to know everything about me. Sometimes, when I'm alone, I imagine that you're President Clinton...the male one, and I'm Monica Lewinsky. I'm so glad you don't smoke.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that you are the best regime-changer ever. Honest injun.

Heart you,
Your Harry (Really Harriet)

(Cut the music. Cue the revolution)

On Sunday's CNN's Reliable Sources with Howard Klein, when Arianna Huffington spoke of the New York Times' retrospect on their own Judy Miller's travails and how Miller "can't recall" who other than Karl Rove was her source on the Valerie Plame outing, a CNN logo was placed over the mouth of Huffington. I can't say for sure, because I am not a reliable source, but can anyone doubt that CNN did not want Arianna's words to be seen by troublesome lipreaders?

The word from the media is that no one should be shocked over the revelation that the White House (pick one) rehearsed, staged, scripted, the teleconference this past week between the President and our soldiers in Iraq. Reasoning that it happens all the time, admits to the public that the press has made it its policy to protect the White House from this kind of information that would ultimately be...bad press. Who made up that rule and why has the media capitulated to it? This isn't a sitcom (although I couldn't swear to that). This is war. But the way that Judy Miller, the media, and the rest of the Lords of Loud have surrendered to this White House, is a joke. A bad one. And one...if I might continue the bad sitcom analogy...that should be canceled.

Complements to the newest member of the Lords of Loud fellowship. CBS's 60 Minutes has officially been accepted into the LOL because of their interview with former FBI Chief, Louis Freeh where he revealed that President Bill Clinton betrayed the country by not pressing the Saudis over the 1996 Khobar Towers bombing and instead sought donations for his library. With all the people who had been at that Saudi-Clinton meeting, which did not include Freeh, the only person 60 Minutes contacted to refute Freeh's hearsay was the former President. Congratulations! Your membership card and secret decoder ring are on the way.