Thanks, Tom, Wish We Could, But...

by Steve Young

"The time will come for the men responsible for this to pay for their behavior."

Tom DeLay, (R - Texas)

You know the thing Tom DeLay wanted least was a dinner. No plans for retirement. No terminal disease. No blue dress stains. Yet once the accusations started pouring in, a tribute for the House's Hammer was quickly arranged. Having a tribute for someone who has no intention of leaving his position proclaims all the security of a last-place major league manager who just received a vote of confidence from the team's owner. Dinner speakers should get ready to double as pallbearers. But that didn't stop the American Conservative Union from sending out an announcement for last Thursday's big doings.

"Now it is time for conservatives to stand with Tom DeLay," read the invite. Sean Hannity said he would have been there...if he could. But, um...he couldn't. No Limbaugh. No O'Reilly. Nary a Lord of Loud could be found -- all who had spent their lifetimes barking about the meanspiritedness of the left, yet praising the tough-but-fair Hammer. Though he couldn't find the time to actually be there, Hannity, trying to sell the tribute's success, proclaimed "a number of congressman" showed up. I didn't get the actual count, but my math professor once told me that "one" was a number, albeit the loneliest. As always, Sean told the truth.

The evening was fabuloso. The red, white, and blue carpet was rolled out. A paltry $10,000 in untraceable bills got your name on the host committee. Speakers were lined up to thank the man who helped push their own morality agenda onto Americans who didn't ask for it...and do it while filling friendly pockets to overflowing.

But the closer the event, the more ethics allegations against the honoree intensified. In a town where jumping off the ethically-challenged bandwagon is an Olympic sport, the wisdom in attending the tribute was highly suspect leading to a barrage of last minute cancellations of last minute "wish we could be theres:"

Dear Tom and Fellow 700 Club Contributor,   You have heroically faced the most serious threat America has faced in nearly 400 years of history, more serious than al Quaeda, more serious than Nazi Germany and Japan, more serious than the Civil War and far more serious than a few bearded terrorists flying into buildings. I'm talking about the mainstream media. As Christ was crucified unjustly by a good portion of Jews (see: Passion), you have been nailed unjustly by the liberal media which, as everyone knows, is run by Jews. And it is for just that reason that I must remain in the 700 Club studio reminding my audience of what Satan's (re: Democratic) Party has in mind for those who do not become a member.

Yours in Christ,
Pat R.

Dear Slick,   Believe me, if I could be there, I would. Laura's been working overtime on a killer "What was Tom doing behind the barn with the chickens at midnight?" routine which you and Christine would have loved. Blew me away. And when she was working it out the bugs at the Capital Improv, the owner saw her set and booked her for a First Ladys' Comedy Night the same, exact night as your tribute. Even got mom to MC. We'll send you a CD. Again, I want to thank you for all you've done for me and Shecky; especially the terrific bump in popularity I got after your appearance with me at that Texas social security town hall thing.

Best, Stretch

Tommy,   Wish I could be there to tell you in person, but thanks for making me look a little less like a hypocritical creep in comparison.

Newt

Daddy,   You were always there for me -- at least a half million worth -- and I want to do the same for you. So, I'm down at the office putting in the necessary o.t. to reduce my per hour rate to some defendable level.

Hugs, Dani

Honey,   You know how Dani hates to work alone. I'll have the hot tub ready when you get home.

Love, Christine

Hey Buddy,   Sorry I couldn't make it but, you know, the next election and all. Nevertheless, from what I saw from the videotape of your ethics violations, it seems very clear to me that you're being railroaded.

B. Frist

P.S. Please don't call me until after November, 08.

Tom,   It's not like we wouldn't want to be there, but for the family, it's best that not all of us fly on the same airplane or show up at the same tribute.

Bless You, Dobson and Perkins

Tom,   Wish I was there. I really, really mean it. Really.

T. Daschle

Dear Tom,   The old lady thinks that the justices thing included me so she won't let me come. I told her it only had to do with justices who didn't think like you.

Congrats. A. Scalia

Dear Tom,   What he said.

C. Thomas

Hey, Buddy,   Love to be there but I'm making a Moscow run the same night. And don't worry about the liberal media and those Injun morons trying to turn this into a battle between two old friends, just because you haven't raised a finger in my defense. I understand the necessities of politics.

J Abramoff

P.S. Gave Elliot Spitzer copies of the receipts. Hope you don't mind.

Dear Tom,   Would just die to be there but just been too busy lately repeatedly turning over in my grave.

B. Goldwater

Dear Rep. Delay   Sorry, but when even we can't think of anything nice to say about you it's best we stay home.

Wall St. Journal Editorial Page