I Want To Be On The Cover Of TIME

by Steve Young

The High Lordess of Loud, Ann Coulter, makes the cover of TIME, and isn't it just like the whiny Democrats to start... whining. These clueless dweebs just don't get it; Ann's bilious remarks aren't vicious slanders and outrageous attacks -- they're only witty remarks and clever japes. As her bud, Miguel Estrada says, "people miss her humor and satire and take her way too literally."

Instead of criticizing her, the Dems should be taking lessons from the queen of venom. I firmly believe that liberals can tap into Coulter's rich satirical style if only they're willing to try. So let the rest of the namby-pamby progressives save the world. Me? I'm going to be on the cover of TIME.

First I'll let the magazine's investigative-less reporter ply me with Bordeaux and then, blushingly, I'll spew my liberal talking points hoping that he never throws me off message that I might be forced to actually speak talking pointless. Then I'm golden, for how could the editors ignore a guy who believes that...

All Republicans are treasonous sissies, yet they wear laughably unfashionable clothing.

Eric Rudolph should have gone to the Washington Times building.

We should invade Bob Jones University, kill their leaders and convert them to Judaism.

If you don't hate Bush and the people who labored to keep him in office, you don't love your country.

Conservative values means that you should go out, get loaded and go home with some stranger and/or make out with a porn king in public (though not necessarily Bob Guccione).

If Bob Dole had been wounded in Kansas during a touch football game instead of in Italy during World War II, he would have never become a Senator.

All Christian Conservatives should be sent to Abu Ghraib and made to pray to a god that is not theirs.

If you are David Horowitz, you should be made to stay overnight at UC Berkeley.

All Republican billionaires should have to vote for a tax increase...every night.

A law should be passed to make far Robert Novak say something good about Bill Clinton.

A first year pre-med student should diagnose Bill First's youngest child's most serious condition from a blurry home video.

Sean Hannity has to give opposing facts that reveal his arguments are built on half-truths.

Charlie Daniels, Ted Nugent, and Toby Keith must sing something by Linda Ronstadt and dedicate it to Sean Penn.

The Rosenbergs weren't guilty and even if they were, what they did was honorable and courageous, even if it wasn't.

Republican legislators who voted to cut Veteran's Benefits should be sent to Iraq, without adequate body armor, get sufficient body parts blown off, and spend the rest of their lives waiting in long lines at VA Hospitals.

And finally...I think that instead of 1600 plus U.S. soldiers that have been killed in Iraq, Ann Coulter should die a thousand deaths. Well, at least one for each of the kids that have died and continued to die in a war she says is going "fabulously well."

Isn't satire funny? Unless you've missed my humor and satire and take me way too literally.

Now I have some ideas for the cover shot...