Here's To Everybody

by Molly Ivins

Once again, we celebrate America -- despite absolutely everything, still a great nation after all these years. Happy birthday to us.

Yet again, we rejoice not so much in what makes America great, as in what makes it really peculiar. This is in the belief that one of America's finest traits is that it is a blissfully funny place to live.

In the You Gotta Be Kidding Category, we now have doggie plastic surgery for neutered male dogs. They give the dogs plastic balls so they'll feel better about themselves. So far, no Botox.

In reporting on Christmastime USO tours, one television network happily announced, "Wayne Newton is the new Bob Hope." I would comment, but I'm still speechless.

Lynne Cheney, the veeper's wife, has formed the Committee to Protect American Civilization, which is publishing 100 examples of allegedly unpatriotic assertions by professors in our nation. For example: If all Lynne Cheney's brains were dynamite, she couldn't blow her nose?

True, we are at war, which would be sobering if the cable news channels paid attention to anything except shark attacks and missing white females.

The Texas Legislature decided gay couples can be foster parents, but only if they're not married. The governor of Texas recently bid adieu to an interviewer by saying, "Adios, mofo."

John Ashcroft has left the attorney general's office, so we can once more view the nekkid tits on the statues of Majesty of Justice and Spirit of Justice. So far, no noticeable deterioration in the national moral fiber has ensued.

We continue our charmingly eccentric habit of polling ourselves to find out how ignorant we are. Then we all slap our foreheads in dismay over the national dumbness. This particular oddity yields such nuggets as: 37.2 percent of U.S. think the Mexican border should pay rent.

The University of Connecticut is planning to offer a master's degree in homeland security. Movies have been made from the TV series "Bewitched" and "The Dukes of Hazzard." You get to make up your own joke about that. Martha Stewart was convicted. Michael Jackson was acquitted. No one ever claimed justice in our nation was perfect.

According to the president of the United States, "disassemble" means not to tell the truth.

The U.S. Navy sent a letter to Fola Coats, an 80-year-old Arkansas woman, asking her to join the Seabees. The president and CEO of Formula One racing, discussing racer Danica Patrick, said that "women should be dressed in white, like all other domestic appliances." Except for those in Harvest Gold or Avocado Green.

Deep Throat and the Runaway Bride are both working on movie deals. Last month, Donald Rumsfeld, that little ray of sunshine, admitted that, statistically, things are just as bad in Iraq as they were at the time Saddam Hussein was deposed. However, he said, "a lot of bad things that could have happened have not happened." This requires deep pondering. (Note: All items in the last two paragraphs were from various issues of Harper's Weekly, researched by Paul Ford.)

Among the official job-title changes put in place by the Scottsdale, Arizona, school district this year were those for receptionist (now "director of first impressions") and school bus driver (now "transporter of learners").

All this and so much more make America the country we love. Anyone who is blase, jaundiced, bored or seldom-startled just isn't paying attention. So here's to all of U.S. who make this a great nation, including the school-crossing guards, the people who line up hundreds of dominos to fall over on other dominos and the bingo players who carry their little plastic chips in blue velvet Crown Royal scotch bags.

Here's to baseball in spite of everything, to the bagpipers, the bakers, bongo-players and bull-riders. Here's to the skateboarders and especially to all the bald kids in all the cancer wards who use their IV poles as skateboards. They put one foot on the base of the pole and use the other to push with, and then hold IV-pole races in the hospital hallways. And to all the kids too sick to do that -- we love you.

Here's to the lifeguards and the skydivers, to the people who read physics textbooks onto tapes for recordings for the blind and to the blind people who listen to them. Here's to the musicians, the math teachers, the Muppets and the merry pranksters. Here's to Afleet Alex, the great racehorse who made that brilliant recovery after he was almost knocked off his feet.

And here's to all the angry liberals and to all the angry conservatives -- take the day off, and enjoy the hot dogs and the fireworks. And try to remember when we come back to normal partisan warfare that all of U.S. do, actually, love this ridiculous, wonderful place.