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Coming From "USA Next:" AARP Hates AARP Members

by Steve Young

Molly Ivins: Karl Sics The Dogs On AARP

Bill O'Reilly has brought to my attention that the AARP is "...trying to hide their left-wing agenda." Holy no-spin! And to back it up, the USA Next, the conservative activist group that backed the anti-Kerry Swift Boat Veterans for Truth, has begun a campaign to spread the word that the AARP is not only a "liberal activist lobby" against the President's Social Security revamping plans, but they are also for gay marriage and against the miliary. To tell you the truthm I don't believe most of my older friends and relatives could care less about who marries whom, except perhaps for the Cheneys. But my guess is that the AARP is against the military just as much as they are against early-bird dinners and bingo.

Some might think that USA Next is politics at its worse, but if it is, these guys are damn good at being bad. And who's to argue with their power to make political hay through attack ads. Politics have become the business of attacking first and often...and oftener. Ever listen to the tactic from the Lords of Loud on talk radio? It places its victims in an unwinnable position. If the victim defends himself, he gives credibility to the attack. If the victim doesn't defend himself, he's falls under the "See, they don't even have the guts to stand up for themselves. Why? Because what we said is true" precept. It's genius. And at the age of most AARP members, they have headier concerns than defending themselves against someone who thinks they hate the same service where many of them once served. Concerns like how the hell they can afford the President's Medicare prescription-drug, pharmaceutical industry-backed plan that the AARP supported last year.

With $10 million in the bank, don't expect USA Next to stop at banging AARP for their anti-military stance. There's still got to be a lot of sure-fire attack commercials at the ready...


(Gangs of testy elderly men and women, some with walkers, others in wheel chairs and motorized scooters move slow motion through a mall, pushing over young people of all ages up to 55)

Art Linkletter Voiceover: They live among you, moving slowly. Very slowly. Taking away from you everything you -- and they -- hold dear.

Elderly Woman places up a sign in a deli: "Stealing sweet and low packets off the tables will be penalized by death"

Linkletter: They want to steal your quality of life.

Elderly Man in middle of doctor's office with sign of the word FIBER with an "X" over it. Next to him is an Elderly Woman with a sign of an "X" over "NAPS."

Linkletter: The AARP has their hand in your pocket.

Elderly Woman: I think that anyone who uses a Senior Discount is weak and is pretty much sucks out of each American the American way of life...just like those bastards in the military who think they should have better benefits.

Linkletter: The AARP wants to screw your chance for longer life.

Elderly Man cuts oxygen tube to older man in hospital bed.

Linkletter: The AARP is against younger people in all sorts of nasty manner.

Elderly Woman (on mini scooter as she runs over toddlers): I think your grandchildren are ugly. I know mine are.

Linkletter: They're against...

Elderly Man: Polyester

Elderly Woman: White belts

Elderly Man: Going to sleep at 8:30

Elderly Woman: Being stubborn and ornery

Elderly Man: Polident

Elderly Woman: Talking about your last operation

Elderly Man: Sinatra

Elderly Woman and Man look into camera and point: We're against YOU!

(Commerical soon to be seen on O'Reilly, Hannity & Colmes, and replayed ad infinitum on Fox.)

Steve Young is political editor of the National Lampoon and his blog is:

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Albion Monitor March 1, 2005 (

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