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Who's Looking Up Your Skirt For You?

by Steve Young

Treat Rush Limbaugh Like Any Other Junkie

So when is Sean Hannity going to screw up? He may be the last remaining Lord of Loud who has yet to dip into the righteous pool of "do as I say not as I sin."

The latest to throw a rather erotic stone through his multimillion dollar glass house and join the growing list of fallen right-wing, talk show pundit pukers, is Bill "Who's Looking Out For You" O'Reilly. It seems that the self-anointed no-spinner, spun phone sex tales of lecherous scenarios that his "O'Reilly Factor," associate producer, Andrea Mackris, didn't find as moralistic as Bill's new children's advice book. Bill has told us before that women are meant to be on a pedestal, but it seems that the only reason Bill wanted Mackris up there was to make it easier for him to look up her dress. Or so said the producer in her recently filed sexual harassment law suit.

This whole episode would be funny if it wasn't so...ah, damn it, it is funny. Incredibly funny.

In fact, it's the funniest thing since Bill "Book of Virtues Except For The Virtues He Decides To Demean" Bennett got busted for losing millions in sin city, not to mention the myriad rumors of le I won't mention it.

Or maybe it's the funniest thing since El Rushbo, he of throw- the- addicts- in- the- hoosegow- and- throw- away- the- key admonition fame, was busted for overdoing the pain relief and over-stretching the job description of his maid/procurer.

Then again, it could be the funniest thing since MSNBC fired Michael Savage for being...Michael Savage.

Of course, in the takes one to know one category, it could be the funniest thing since political whore, Dick Morris, was set up by another whore.

Talk show felon Gordon Liddy and congressional prevaricator Oliver North get a pass as they stormed onto the conservative talk scene with crimes already in place. But the ivory tower that these pompous blowhards hole themselves in deserves to be knocked down a few thousand floors, and tell me it isn't hysterical when ir's the scoundrel is the one in charge of demolition.

Now I'm not saying that all this makes O'Reilly a liar...technically. I'll leave that up to Al Franken, who, as yet, has chosen to keep staggeringly quiet on the story. It's a rather ingenious strategy for a guy who has made a nice buck out of O'Reilly's past alleged deceptions. Al will remain above the fray and his satirical literary jaunt into the dishonesty of the Right's fat mouths will be moved from the Border's humor section over to reference.

Remarkably, as a result of the alleged chicanery, O'Reilly's ratings have jumped, though it's a pretty good bet that it's because of the rubber-neckers who have slowed down to watch the accident in progress. I must admit, I am an avid O'Reilly listener who has waited impatiently for the pileup. While I heard plenty that would send many O'Reilly critics running in search of the latest Frank Rich anti-O'Reilly anathema, I always found Bill an artist, adeptly structuring his format so as to give "you" the last word while skillfully, without a hint of duplicity, taking it right back. And in that, he would seemingly win every argument while the disconnected antagonist is left to helplessly mutter into a hollow dial-tone. Just brilliant.

But I have also wondered about how Lis Wiehl, one of Bill's female radio sidekicks, found it tenable to deal with his incessant sexual innuendos regularly requesting her to model the Factor t-shirts...the wet one, of course. I guess her million dollar book contract would keep anyone quiet. It would sure shut me up. Bill's other lady, Edie Hill, is already a "Fox and Friends" regular, so you know she'll pretty much buy anything.

Add in all his righteous moralizing over the cultural demise perpetrated by the leftist pinheads, Ludacris, Eninem, and anyone else that doesn't fit into Bill's concept of decency and it isn't difficult to figure that the publishers of his most recent pontificating, "The O'Reilly Factor for Kids," are ready to ship the entire inventory into the Five for Ninety-Nine Cent bin.

And if Mackris ends up taking the big bucks to head off silently into the great Factor good night, God bless her, but I'm sure that night, Bill's "Talking Point" will lambast the settlement, explaining why it is no different from any of Michael Jackson's restitutions. Otherwise he's just be a bully who's more interested in spin...and that's just not what I'd expect from the guy who's looking out for us.

Steve Young writes on Talk for the Albion Monitor, is the political editor of National Lampoon, author of "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful"and a frequent guest of "The O'Reilly Factor."

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Albion Monitor October 20, 2004 (

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