CNN, Meet El Rush-bo

by David Corn

Good evening and welcome to CNN's coverage of Election Night 2004. I'm Judy Woodruf.

And I'm Jeff Greenfield.

And I am the Voice of Reason and Righteousness, speaking the truth to you with talent on loan from God.

Thank you, Rush. Now, Jeff this election is turning into yet another squeaker. Why is that?

Well, Judy, the American electorate once again seems evenly --

Divided between those Americans who care about truth, honesty and facts and those who waste their time watching the liberal-dominated media and being brainwashed by femiNazis, socialists, and gun-grabbing whiners.

But, Jeff, was this an election influenced more by politics or personality?

Judy, in presidential contests it's always hard to tease out these two factors --

Hard only for liberals and readers of The New York Times and The Washington Post. God-fearing Americans -- like those good people who listen to my little radio show everday -- know that when character is present, the right policies -- and I do mean Right -- follow. Espousing immoral positions -- gay rights, the subjugation of mankind to animals, double taxation that steals your money after you're dead -- is an unmistakable sign of immorality. Can it be any simpler than that? Why can't the media elite understand that?

There was much talk about the environment in this election, right Jeff?

So much so, that both candidates --

Felt they had to kow-tow to burlap-wearing, wiccan-worshipping eco-fascists. Folks, those self-hating losers feel more sympathy for an endangered gnat than a hard-working guy employed in the sustainable timber industry. Did you know that outside Fort Wayne, Indiana, they stopped construction of a power plant because of a worm? A worm, ladies and gentlemen. A worm. What happens when a kidney dialysis machines goes out at some person's home because of a worm? Now there's a lawsuit under way -- all because of a worm. What are they going to do, bring that worm in for a deposition? Well, I'll let the Democrats and their eco-extremist pals defend the worm. Maybe they can get their trial attorney-friends -- the ones who give them all their campaign dollars -- to do the case pro bono. I tell you, Judy, I love being right.

In our exit polls, abortion seems to be be playing a role....

Jeff, I'll take this one. Judy, have you ever seen firsthand a child destroyed by abortion? Ripped apart. Torn apart. Literally, limb from limb. Why? Because they were an inconvenience or the wrong sex. Did you know, my friends, that 43 percent of all abortions -- nearly half -- are done for reasons of sex selection?

Forty-three percent, Rush? What's your source for that?

That's right, Judy. The source is an article that was faxed to me. Look, I have it right here in a file folder. And furthermore, another poll showed that 93 percent of the public say they are glad they were not aborted. So it is clear that it's good politics to oppose this form of genocide. It's not a matter of "choice." Choice? A Cohiba Lancero or a Montecristo Torpedo -- that's a choice. Killing is not a choice. That's the propaganda of the have- sex- with- whoever- or- whatever- you- like crowd. Judy, we in the media -- including a harmless old lovable fuzzball like me -- have an obligation to talk in real terms. As I have said throughout my long and illustrious broadcasting career, liberal Democrats and those moderate Republican wimps who keep telling us the public is in favor of abortion wouldn't be able to say that if they had to call abortion what it is: fetus-destruction. Let's have a poll -- a real poll, Do you support or oppose the violent dismemberment of fetuses?

Well, pretty soon, polls will be closing and we'll have some numbers in a moment, but first a message from our sponsor. Rush?

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Thank you, Rush. Jeff, has the stem-cell controversy had much impact on the presidential race?

It would seem so. After the President's most recent address to the nation on this subject -- his fourteenth in four years -- in which he once more clarified his position, Democrats tried --

As someone totally devoted and committed to the truth -- I love the truth the way Bill Clinton loves anyone who wears panties and says, 'yes'...or 'no' -- I must say, that this is what happens when Godless politicians try to take control of a moral issue. Liberal Democrats and, again, many of those weak-sister Republicans simply do not believe in God. How do we know that? How can we make such a bold statement? The answer is right before us. For only those who do not believe in the Almighty attempt to play God. If you respect and honor God, you do not assume for yourself the power of God and destroy the precious gift of life whether it is in a dish or in a womb.

Judy, excuse me, I cannot resist: Rush, so then what about capital punishment?

Entirely separate issue. You're falling for leftist claptrap -- the brainwashing brought to us by boo-hoo-hoo liberals and Hollywood execs who live in exclusive neighborhoods with their own private security forces that protect them from the criminal scum of the earth -- that the murder of an innocent life is equivalent to the disposal of a menace to society. The ultimate crime deserves the ultimate punishment. It could not be any clearer.

And the Democrats continued to tried to score points this campaign season with the health care issue. Did they succeed, Jeff?

Judy, it depends on how you define success. The fact that they forced Republicans to answer their charges did --

Those liberal Democrats -- Kennedy, Daschle, the left...and yes, let's include John McCain, a ego-driven turncoat who went over the deep end a long time ago. Spends five years in a POW camp, comes out and is a good conservative for decades. Spends five weeks in New Hampshire and turns into a socialist. Can you believe Hanoi Hilton John is now to the left of Hanoi Jane? But the big point is this: they have a grand plan. They don't talk about it on the campaign trail. They don't talk about it when they are demagouging and sound-biting. But ask yourself, my viewing friends, why they want people to sue HMOs? No one will tell you this. No one but yours truly. And here is the reason: they hope HMOs fail. Yes -- do not be shocked -- they want HMOs to fail. To collapse. To go kaput. Now, Jeff, Judy, you may ask why these leftists -- and you can never trust a liberal to be straight and tell you what they really want -- are hoping that lawsuits, plenty of lawsuits, will flourish and force HMOs, every single one of them, into bankruptcy. That is because they want to herd everybody -- you, me, even Steve Case -- like cattle into government-run health care. Get rid of the HMOs and there will be no choice. These white-wine commies lust after power. And they want to control you, your family, and your health.

Now why would they want to....No, forget that. Don't answer that. Please. I'm told that, momentarily, we will have projections, based on exit polls, but before we do --

Projections, projections -- who needs projections? Not when you know all and worship and serve only the truth. Judy, Jeff, let me tell you --

Thank you, Rush. But before we get to those projections, we're going to turn to the latest member of CNN's political team, our in-house psychic, Miss Cleo.