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GOP Will Never Say Die In Pursuit Of Clintons

by Steve Young

The death-impaired Clinton refused comment
Clinton Exhumation
March 11, 2075, WASHINGTON -- In a move surprising almost no one, and in a response to the most recent Senate subpoena, grave diggers at Arlington National Cemetery began the unenviable task of exhuming President Bill Clinton's remains.

The Senate hearings looking into a particle of DNA found in the Oval Office humidor, are expected to reach an elevated sense of drama and wit. The dead President is expected to receive a relentless grilling from Republican foes who seemed bent on bringing the former Commander-in-chief to his knees, contingent, of course, on whether or not his knees have yet to decompose entirely.

It is the seventh time this century that the beleaguered former President has been dug up to answer questions concerning alleged wrong-doing, a record surpassing former five-term President Hillary Clinton's six unearthings.

With cryogenics playing an ever-burgeoning part of the Republican Party's effort to humiliate the dead President, an amazing simulation of the late Senator Arlen Spector of Pennsylvania, said that, once again, "impeachment would not be out of the question." If the Congress and Senate are successful in their efforts, this would be Clinton's third such impeachment since his death in 2048.

172 year-old Senator Strom Thurmond, whose sustained efforts to embarrass the former president are only surpassed by his continued refusals to die, said, "President Clinton was and still is..." (The rest of his statement was unintelligible).

The death-impaired Clinton refused comment, except for a statement released from his office which continues to insist that "...the former President is once again the target of Republican enemies who still can't run on the issues."

From this robotic home at Disneyland's famed Hall Of Spinners, Clinton animatromnic pal James Carville said that, "...this is all a lot of Republican hooey. We all know that even dead, Bubba could whup whomever the GOP puts up against him." Carville's comments seem supported by Bill Clinton's unexpected third term in office (2060-2064), to date the only known incidence of a deceased candidate elected to the top post and serving his entire term. "His distinguished performance, considering his being a corpse, was first-rate," Carville drawled.

With recent polls still showing the deceased Chief Executive with a 78 percent approval rating, reporters have asked the former President if he will entertain running for public office again, considering that he remains severely dead. The obviously tired -- but still enthusiastic -- Comeback Kid smiled, "it depends what your definition of dead is."

Steve Young is a 2000 Prism Award winner and Humanitas Nominee for his comedy television writing. Reprinted by permission

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Albion Monitor March 12, 2001 (

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