Free Cars and Barbies

by Monte Paulsen and Russ Tisinger

Convention Barbie -- a limited edition of the popular plastic doll by Mattel -- sports high heels, a convention badge and a Nancy-Reagan-red suit with pearl buttons and matching earrings. She comes in African American, Asian American, Latina and Caucasian versions; all feature the traditional Barbie shape and stance.

Democratic National Committee spokespeople would neither confirm nor deny allegations that Barbie's absurdly stiff posture was inspired by Al Gore. But the Philadelphia Direct Action Group, a protest organization, issued a press release claiming Convention Barbie represents everything the Republican party wants a woman to be: "undernourished, dressed to kill, and inanimate."

This is the sixth time the Republicans have met in Philadelphia. After hosting three relatively unspectacular gatherings in 1856, 1872 and 1900 -- at which the GOP nominated the memorable John C. Fremont, Ulysses S. Grant and William McKinley -- Philadelphia provided the stage for the nation's first televised convention in 1940.

Unfortunately for Wendell Lewis Willkie, almost no one owned a television set in 1940. So almost no one watched his nomination, or the passage of a Republican platform that both opposed America's participation in World War II and deplored then-President Franklin Delano Roosevelt's "explosive utterances."

Both the GOP and the Democrats held their 1948 conventions in Philadelphia, because the live TV equipment was too cumbersome to move from city to city. And by 1952, the conventions had begun the transformation from working meetings where parties chose a nominee to beauty pageants where parties began the arduous job of peddling their designated nominees to a suspicious public.

On Sunday, Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Ridge, a Republican and runner-up in this year's veep-stakes contest, begged forgiveness for his party's role in creating this quadrennial television event. "We were the first party 52 years ago to invite television cameras to cover our convention," Ridge told a reception of arriving GOP faithful. Ridge quickly added: "I apologize for that."

Liner note: Lennon originally wrote the song as a rallying anthem for his friend Timothy Leary, who was at the time mulling a run for Governor of California against Ronald Reagan. As he was writing the tune, President Richard Nixon's administration was working to deport the Beatle.

(No word at press time as to whether Ridge will be issuing any further apologies; Lennon and Leary were unavailable for comment.)

On display are an unmanned surveillance aircraft called the Predator, the latest amphibious vehicles designed for use during chemical- and biological-warfare, and the V-22 Osprey, a hybrid aircraft with rotors that swivel so it can take off like a helicopter but cruise like a turboprop commuter plane.

At least one convention attendee is likely to skip the weapons show, however. Throughout his tenure as secretary of defense, vice-presidential nominee Dick Cheney tried to kill the Osprey, an expensive aircraft that crashed repeatedly during testing.

In a tradition that dates to the same era as the introduction of television (shocked?), General Motors loans a fleet of vehicles to each major convention. The GOP has received the use of about 400 cars, including Buick LeSabres and Chevy Suburbans. The Democrats, however, will receive Cadillacs. Maybe this was what George W. is referring to when he derides "limousine liberals."